


I'd Rather Be With You

by DoMeCarisi (orphan_account)



Series: Between Shadow and Soul [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Consequences, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Regret, Unexpressed Love, s18 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/DoMeCarisi
Summary: Rafael grapples with the consequences of his choice and questions if he can be happy without Sonny in his life.Sequel to "You Knew What This Was"





	1. Chapter 1

_5\. WAIVER OF APPEAL_

_The defendant also understands that Title 18, United States Code, Section 3742 affords the defendant the right to appeal the sentence imposed. Nonetheless, the defendant knowingly waives the right to appeal the conviction and any sentence within the statutory limit described above (or the manner in which that sentence was determined) on the grounds set forth in Title 18, United States Code, Section 3742 or on any ground whatsoever, in exchange for the concessions made by the State of New York in this plea agreement._

Head pounding with exhaustion, Rafael reached for his coffee and took a long sip. The words in front of him felt out of reach, his mind miles away and all efforts to concentrate fruitless. Instead of the plea deal in his hand, his thoughts were clouded with regret and unease and rumination. 

He had been caught off guard by Sonny’s visit to his office earlier that morning. Unprepared for the way he stood across from him, arms crossed and eyes guarded. Rafael’s cheeks burning under his hard gaze, voice low and direct as he provided an update on a case. Informing him that their witness had finally agreed to testify. 

It was something easily communicated by phone or email, but instead, inexplicably, Sonny had made the trip to 1 Hogan Place to deliver the news personally. Making a point to seek out Rafael individually, to stand at the edge of his desk and tell him to his face. 

And before he left, he hesitated. Lips parted and brow furrowed, he hovered near the corner of Rafael’s desk for one long, agonizing second. Words perched on his tongue, weighing whether or not to reveal them.

It was small, but Rafael noticed. And he was certain Sonny had something else to say, perhaps involving the real meaning behind his visit. But he didn’t say a word. He just turned around and left. 

And Rafael couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

In the months following their fall out, he felt he had no choice but to keep his distance. So he did his best to stay away. To untangle himself and keep things separate and uncomplicated. 

Rafael could count on one hand the number of private interactions he’d had with Sonny since then. All brief and strained, their history hanging heavily between them, hidden in the words left unsaid. At times devolving into arguments, accusations hurled with pointed fingers and heaving chests. 

It was clear to him that things would never be the same. After all, Rafael wasn’t unobservant. He noticed the change. The way Sonny’s posture had stiffened and his face had turned serious. They way his eyes had dulled and words grew dour. 

He’d tried to pull information from Olivia, subtly trying to suss out the cause, to understand the circumstances that could account for this shift. If there was some other explanation that could absolve him of responsibility. 

But he knew the truth. No one else had done this to Sonny. It was all him. 

He leaned over his desk and closed his eyes, resting his head in hands, as regret coiled around his spine, tightening its grip. Regret over his role in this. Over action not taken, words not spoken. For hurting the person he cared about most. 

He only looked up when his door eased open and Olivia approached his desk with purpose, sitting down opposite him and immediately launching into questions about the case. Asking him about next steps, arranging time to prep the witness. Following up on a recent warrant request. 

“So, do you have everything you need?”

Rafael nodded, barely registering her question. His mind was still miles away, tangled up in cogitation and guilt. 

Olivia watched him carefully with narrowed eyes, head softly tilted to the side with concern. Studying Rafael’s slumped shoulders and tired face. 

“Are you doing okay?”

It was a fair question, but not one he was prepared to deal with. He turned to her with a forced, crooked smile. 

“I’m fine, Liv. Thanks for your concern.”

“Is it the case?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Then what is it?” 

Rafael picked up his now empty coffee cup and looked down at it idly as he considered telling her everything. Spilling it all. If he couldn’t talk about this with her, then who could he turn to? 

“Doesn’t matter.” 

The words had an edge that ended the line of questioning, and Olivia didn’t press further, changing the topic but keeping her eyes trained on him. Discussing trial plans and the election of a new judge. The strength of their evidence and potential weaknesses in the prosecution strategy. 

And when conversation naturally turned to the comings and goings at the precinct, Rafael was tempted to ask about Sonny. To find out how he was doing. To see if the rumors were true and he was really seeing someone. If he was happy.

But he resisted the urge, and instead nodded along as Olivia talked about the pressure Chief Dodds had been putting on her to hire another detective. The cyber security training the NYPD was forced to take in the wake of the hacks. Fin’s promotion. 

And before he realized it, hours had passed and the sun had sunk low behind the city. The office was quiet and dark, and Olivia went home. And when the door shut, Rafael sagged in his chair with a sigh, his thoughts immediately circling back to Sonny.


	2. Chapter 2

Uncertainty loomed over Rafael.

Pursued by the thoughts he had tried to keep at bay for months, he began to realize it was more than simple guilt that persistently ached deep inside. 

He missed Sonny. 

No, it was more than that. 

He loved him. 

Laying in bed at night, he’d stare at the shadows on the ceiling, relentlessly prodding at the wound. Moving his hand to the empty bedside. Remembering a time when instead of cold, undisturbed sheets his hand would find a warm chest, heart fluttering beneath his palm. 

He’d think of the sound of Sonny’s breath rising and falling next to him, soft and relaxed as the early morning light filled the room. Sharing parts of himself he thought he’d keep hidden for a lifetime. Lacing his fingers through his hair. Sweetly kissing his shoulder. 

Rafael would hold on to these memories tightly, desperate to stay suspended in them for as long as possible. But inevitably, his mind would wander to what happened next. 

The way Sonny had looked at him that night. His face red and despairing as he begged Rafael to own up to it. To just _say it_. The rejection in his eyes as Rafael spit out the words that ended it all. Twisting them deep to leave a mark. To make sure that Sonny never looked at him the same way again. 

It didn’t matter how much Rafael regretted it. How much he wished he could go back and change it. To not let him leave, head bowed and shoulders slumped in defeat, but to instead grab him by the waist and tell him he was right. To look up into his eyes and tell him that yes, he loved him. That he was hopelessly, utterly in love with him.

As the days progressed, Rafael became increasingly devoured by the fantasy, rehearsing it endlessly into the night. Imagining a future where he had been brave. Chasing the small measure of comfort the illusion provided, even though it was always followed by a sick shame. Robbing him of rest and carving deep, tired lines on his face. 

And then one night Rafael returned home after a long and challenging day, eager to fix a drink and numb his mind in seclusion. 

But when he pushed open the door, his heart froze, jerking him to a stop. 

Broken glass. Curtains swaying in the breeze. A rust red brick resting in the middle of the floor. 

His mind raced and vision narrowed as he pulled out his phone, hovering his thumb over Olivia's name before deciding to call 911. 

Rafael wasn’t sure how much time passed before the red and blue lights began to flash outside his window, followed by uniformed police officers invading his living room. Taking photographs and surveying the scene. Bagging evidence. He sat on his couch in a daze, answering questions as a chill of vulnerability crept up his spine. A reminder that the threats on his life had never really gone away. Swallowing the possibility that this dark chapter was about to get much worse. 

And then his eyes flicked toward the figure standing in the open doorway, face like a ghost. 

“Sonny?” Rafael stood from his couch, breaking away from the interview and walking toward him. For a brief moment disbelieving his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” 

Sonny’s voice was thick with concern as he searched Rafael's face. 

Rafael nodded as his cheeks burned at the absurdity of the scene around them. With Sonny near it suddenly felt like an overreaction. All this fuss over a broken window. 

“I’m fine," he replied with a self-conscious smile. 

Sonny’s body sagged with relief, and Rafael continued. “How did you -”

“Heard it called in on the scanner. Came straight over,” Sonny replied, looking around the room. “But it seems you’ve got things covered here.”

“Can you stay?” 

The words were an impulse, slipping out before Rafael could think them through. Sonny stopped, looking away and setting his jaw. 

“You really think that’s a good idea?” 

Rafael could hear the warning in his voice, rough and low. Bristling against his ear. 

But before he could reply, Sonny seemed to reconsider the invitation, walking past him to sit on the couch. 

"I guess I could make some calls." 

 

\--

 

“So, you got a broom around here?” Sonny asked without looking up from his phone. "For the glass." 

The police had left only moments earlier and Rafael's mind was so scattered he hadn't even thought about the mess that was left behind. 

He fetched a broom approached the window with a frown. Countless shards of glass glinted up at him, spread across his floor. Buried in the fibers of his tufted wool rug. But as he started to sweep, Sonny rose from the couch and reached for the broom. 

“Hey, I got it.” 

Rafael didn’t argue and instead smiled his thanks before going into the kitchen, running through all the possible scenarios for how this evening could play out.  
  
Opening the cupboard, he fished out two glasses and a near-empty bottle. He’d been going through bourbon quicker these days.

“It’s been quite a night. Join me for a drink?” 

When Sonny didn’t answer, Rafael turned to see him lean the broom against the wall and walk toward him. 

“Why do you want me here?” 

Rafael stopped pouring. 

“What is it? Are you lonely? Afraid?" Sonny looked at him expectantly. "Is that the only time you want me around?” 

“Sonny,” Rafael started, choosing his words carefully. “I can understand why you would think that, but I assure you that’s not the case.” 

Sonny didn’t respond. Rafael continued. 

“I know what I did. My part in all this,” Rafael’s voice was quiet. Sincere. “I’m sorry.” 

Sonny huffed and looked away, the muscles in his neck straining. His lips held in a tight line. 

“No,” Sonny shook his head. His eyes flashing with anger. “You don’t just get to say that.”

Rafael exhaled as his mind roared with self-doubt, unsure what to do or say next. Frozen in place, mere feet from the person that had been haunting his thoughts for weeks. _Months_. Suddenly aware that his opportunity to fix this may have already passed him by. 

“Sonny, listen to me. I’m telling you that I’m sorry. That I care about you.” 

Sonny looked away and they stood together for a long, thick moment. Wordless and pensive.

The silence was then pierced by the text notification on Sonny's phone, which he quickly pulled out to check. 

“They got a lead. Guess some kids had a fun night vandalizing houses." He slipped his phone back into his pocket. "So you can stop worrying now. Have a good night, Counselor.” 

The news should have been a relief. But in that moment, as he watched Sonny turn away once again and walk toward his door to leave, he couldn't care less about broken windows or death threats or delinquent kids.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael loosened his tie and leaned forward, thumbing through the paperwork spread out on the coffee table in front of him. Victim statements. Pretrial motions. Discovery documents. He was behind on his trial prep and the task list was mounting, but he had been too preoccupied with his ruminations over Sonny. Distracted by circular thoughts and what-ifs. 

It had only been a few days since he had shown up on his doorstep to make sure that Rafael was okay. Staying with him as the police finished taking his statement. Even cleaning up the mess the vandals had left behind. 

That had to mean something, right? 

Rafael rubbed his brow and refocused his attention, picking up a pen to take notes as he reread the initial responding officer’s statement. He needed to concentrate. 

_R/O secured the scene and cleared the area, finding no other persons present in the vicinity, and returned to the main entrance to direct backup and medical personnel to R/O’s location._

Nope, this wasn’t working. 

He sighed and set his notebook back onto the table, giving up any pretense of keeping the thoughts at bay, instead allowing himself to fully wallow in them. To prod at them relentlessly. Picking their last interaction apart. 

It had been a disaster. 

He had let his doubts get the best of him, offering sloppy consolations. He wasn't surprised Sonny had rejected his apology. 

He didn’t expect things to be resolved easily. He was aware of what he had done, and the hurt he had caused. The distrust he had earned. 

Rafael questioned whether or not his urge to explain his feelings was nothing more than a selfish impulse to clear his conscience and relieve his own internal tension. And perhaps maybe it was kinder to Sonny to just leave him be. To let them both move on. To pretend it never happened. 

Rafael’s chest tightened at the thought. 

No, he wouldn't give up. He couldn't. He'd been in love before, but nothing quite like this. 

Rafael decisively whipped out a clean sheet of paper and picked up his pen again, tentatively bringing the nib to the bone white page. If Sonny didn't want to see him again, he understood. But he still needed to clear the air. To do _something_. If he didn't soon, he was sure he would lose his mind. 

_Sonny,_

_How can I even begin to explain_

Stopping mid-thought he peered down at the words, feeling foolish and pathetic. Writing a love letter like a heartsick teenager. 

He set the letter aside and rose from the couch, rolling up his sleeves as he walked toward the kitchen to make himself another drink. 

The scotch burned his tongue but did nothing to stop the thoughts from agitating his mind. Relentlessly seeking his attention. This wasn’t going to just go away. 

He pulled out his phone, quickly maneuvering to his messages, hesitating once he reached his and Sonny’s conversations. So far he’d resisted the temptation to look back through them. For a long time, he didn’t want to be reminded of how they spoke to each other. Planning their rendezvous. Good mornings, good nights. Intimate and familiar.

If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. Not hiding behind a letter, but face-to-face. He owed Sonny that much. 

With a sudden burst of courage, he fired off five simple words.

“We should talk. My place?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this was a short one. Expect the fourth and final chapter later today.


	4. Chapter 4

Sonny eyed the bag of takeout on the coffee table as he tucked his hands into his pockets, standing square in the center of the living room. As far away from Rafael as possible while still being able to maintain a conversation. 

“So you want to tell me why I’m here? I’m guessing it’s not just to eat Chinese food.” 

Rafael had always thought of himself as resolute. Unshakable and unafraid, going up against insurmountable odds without hesitation. But somehow he wasn’t prepared for this. To be so open. So vulnerable.

He leaned forward from his position on the couch to look Sonny in the eye. Summoning his strength, intent on seeing this through. 

“I wanted to talk to you about what happened,” Rafael explained. “I believe I owe you an apology.” 

“That it?” Sonny asked, folding his arms defensively across his chest and looking at Rafael expectantly. 

“No, there's more.” 

Sonny stood across from him, waiting. Watching. The low light in the room casting deep shadows across his face. 

Rafael wondered what sort of pitiful figure he cut in that moment. If Sonny could see the doubt and torment on his face, shoulders slumped forward in surrender. Ready to get it over with. 

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Rafael said. “About you, and me.”

He watched Sonny carefully as he spoke each word, searching for clues. For a sign that he even wanted to hear this. 

“I don’t have many regrets in life, but I regret what I did to you.” 

“What a load of crap,” Sonny huffed, looking away. Shifting his weight with irritation. 

“Sonny, I did not want to hurt you.” 

“I trusted you!” Sonny fired back, the anger rising in his voice. Finger raised and pointed squarely at Rafael. “You don’t get to discard me and then drag me into whatever this is just because you have a guilty conscience.”

“You know as well as I do what the consequences would have been if we had continued. Our careers would be over, cases reopened, reputations ruined,” Rafael said, rising from the couch and stepping toward Sonny, emotion growing, exploding out of him. “You have to realize I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.”

“You pushed me out of your life and pretended like I didn’t exist!” Sonny countered. “Why do you even want me here?” 

“Because I can’t just sit back and let the person I love believe that I don’t care about them!” 

Sonny stopped and looked directly at him.

“What did you say?” 

Rafael sighed. He didn’t want to tell Sonny like this. He deserved better than having the words hurled at him during an argument. But the dam had been broken, and it was too late to turn back now. 

“I love you, Sonny. I have for a long time,” Rafael said, breathing deep. Confessing the truth he had tried so hard to deny, but now wanted nothing more than to embrace. “I loved you then, I love you now.”

Sonny made no move to reply, so Rafael continued. “It's understandable if you can't forgive me, but I needed to tell you.”

There it was. All cards on the table. 

Rafael waited for a response. For an acknowledgment, for anything. 

But Sonny just turned from him, wordlessly walking toward the couch. Sitting and staring at his feet in silence as Rafael’s heart pounded loudly in his ears. Wondering what was going through Sonny’s mind.

“You really hurt me, Rafi,” Sonny finally said. His voice low and serious, but without anger or defensiveness. 

Rafael looked at him tenderly as he sat down beside him.

“I know.” 

“I mean you really let me down. You let me feel like I was crazy for feeling what I felt.” 

Rafael nodded, frowning at his hand as it curled into a fist in his lap, shame swelling in his chest. 

“I’m so sorry for what I did to you, Sonny. If only you knew how many hours I’ve spent wishing I could do things differently.” 

Sonny’s hand tentatively moved forward, then rested on Rafael’s. Warm and familiar and comforting, quieting the stir of uncertainty in his chest. 

“I never stopped caring about you, Rafi,” Sonny said. “I don't think I could, even if I wanted.”

He tightened his grip on Rafael’s hand, looking down at their interlaced fingers. 

“And I don’t know, I guess to me that's not something you just throw away.” 

“Sonny, do you -” 

“I'm saying I forgive you.”

Rafael blinked, unbelieving, as the words settled. Processing the weight of Sonny’s pardon. 

“I meant what I said. I do love you, Sonny.”

Rafael noticed the way Sonny fought against the tug at his lips, the small lines that formed around his eyes.

But before he allowed himself to smile, to fully give in to Rafael’s confession, Sonny paused. Studying Rafael’s face with earnestness.

“I need to know that things won’t be like they were last time,” Sonny said. “I can’t go through that again.” 

“I can assure you, I’ll never let that happen.”

He knew he’d never let another day go by without making sure Sonny knew how important he was to him. But he also understood that he had a long way to go to earn back his trust.

Sonny continued. 

“And what about the consequences? Careers, reputations?”

“Consequences be damned,” Rafael replied, squeezing Sonny’s hand. “I’d rather be with you, even if it meant losing it all.” 

With the final wall down, Sonny brought his hand to Rafael’s chin, thumb running along his jaw with an affection he was sure he didn’t deserve but gratefully accepted. And when Sonny brought his lips to his, he heart threatened to push past his ribs and burst from his chest. Overwhelmed by the soft sweetness of Sonny’s kiss.

And then he pulled back slightly, his forehead pressed against Rafael’s. Voice barely above a whisper.

“I love you too, Rafi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major, heartfelt thank you to CarisiIsMyHomeboy and ChocolateCoveredCannolis for your encouragement, perspective, and advice. Without your help, I never would have finished.


End file.
